


even when you can't see your own beauty

by ArgentumPluvia



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character's Name Spelled As Viktor Because I Do What I Want, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Help how do I tag, I love viktor with my entire heart and soul, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Viktor Nikiforov, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, we need more nonbinary viktor ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 13:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16703497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentumPluvia/pseuds/ArgentumPluvia
Summary: Viktor has been struggling with self-image his entire life. It's not something he likes to dwell upon, but there are some days where he can't handle the implications of being The Viktor Nikiforov. Or even being just Viktor.Yuuri doesn't care. He just wants to love and support the person he loves.





	even when you can't see your own beauty

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a gender non-conforming person myself, so a lot of this is just me projecting onto my fave Viktor, but let's be real, we don't have enough nonbinary Viktor content anyways.
> 
> At the beginning of the fic, Viktor refers to themself as he and him because they haven't allowed much thought on the subject. It's difficult to come to terms with such a fundamental part of yourself being something other than the expected norm, so they just try and shut these thoughts down. Throughout the fic, the name Viktor is still used because they haven't asked/chosen anything else.
> 
> As of 11/23/18, I've decided to continue this story. Updates will likely be slow, but I will try my best to upload chapters occasionally. I'm graduating in June, and then heading straight back to school in August, but writing is my absolute favorite thing, so I will work hard on this story.

Viktor wakes with a start, eyes watering from a vivid dream that is refusing to fade. It's an hour before the alarm is set to go off, and today is supposed to be a rest day. Fantastic. It's going to be one of _those_ days.

Blinking the tears back, Viktor pushes the covers back and slides out of the bed, careful not to disturb Yuuri. Makkachin moves her head at the sound of footsteps entering the kitchen, and Viktor smiles at her, ruffling the curls on top of her head. After making tea as quietly as possible, Viktor settles on the couch with the steaming mug and a book. Makka paces around the room for several minutes before laying down near the feet of the couch, perhaps sensing her owner's discomfort.

Viktor reads for however long it is until Yuuri emerges from the bedroom, hair mussed and eyes still puffy behind his glasses. He's adorable like this.

"Good morning, Vitya." Yuuri bustles around in the kitchen for a couple minutes, and enters the living room holding two cups of tea. "You do want another, right?"

Viktor looks up and smiles. "Thank you." Yuuri hands him the cup and smiles gently down at his fiancé.

"How long have you been up?" Yuuri's eyes are searching Viktor's. He can obviously see the dark circles and restless eyes. Yuuri once remarked how he hadn't ever noticed how tired Viktor looks all the time until he had been around Viktor constantly. Now, he's always prodding Viktor to sleep more and rest as much as he can because he truly understands how much time, effort, and energy Viktor has channeled into his career.

"I got up about an hour before the alarm was supposed to go off. Bad dream." Viktor rearranges into a more comfortable position, knees tucked up on the couch. Yuuri makes a sympathetic noise and sits down on his right. He wraps an arm around Viktor's shoulders.

"You could have woken me up."

"You looked so peaceful, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's fine, I'm okay." Viktor lies, ignoring the nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

"Vitya, I know that look. What's going on?" Yuuri cups his right hand under Viktor's chin. "Look at me. I'm here with you, through thick and thin. You didn't run away from me when you realized I needed extra help finding confidence and I need a lot of reassurance. You have never shied away from that. I'm here to do the same for you."

Viktor tears up, and tucks his head into Yuuri's chest. Yuuri just waits, arms wrapped around his fiancé.

"This is different, Yuuri. I'm just being stupid." Viktor's voice is quiet and muffled. It sounds shaky, something Yuuri is not at all used to. He's used to being the one with his face buried in Viktor's chest, with Viktor's strong arms wrapped around him, with Viktor's comforting scent enveloping him. 

"Why don't you tell me about it, and then we can decide if it's stupid or not?" Yuuri asks, hands gently roving around Viktor's back in comforting circles. Viktor presses closer to Yuuri's chest, obviously hesitant. "I'm not going to judge you for anything you say, unless you tell me dogs are not the best creatures on the face of the Earth." Yuuri can feel Viktor smile against his chest and he smiles too.

"There you are. Please tell me what's bothering you, love. I promise I will do my best to help, okay?" Viktor loves this man. He has no idea what Viktor is struggling with at this moment, but he's pushing Viktor to let him help. And it isn't pushing in a bad way. Viktor has had boyfriends who got involved too quickly and decided they knew what was best for him. Yuuri is always trying to understand Viktor and bring up solutions to problems Viktor hasn't necessarily thought of.

"I...I keep having dreams where I'm trapped. Not literally, not like claustrophobia, but I'm just...stuck," Viktor starts and oh no, he's talking. He meant to just keep this to himself and not say anything, because this is probably the tipping point where Yuuri decides Viktor is most definitely too much and leaves. Viktor is always so scared to share his problems with his partners because they always seem to think that he’s living such an ideal and perfect lifestyle that there cannot possibly be anything that upsets him.

"Sometimes I just feel like there's something really wrong with me. I just don't feel right sometimes. I don't understand it, and it's been bothering me. I used to feel like this a lot when I was a teenager, but then everyone expected me to get even more serious about skating, so I had to try and forget about it." Viktor takes a breath. He's still talking. This is bad. Yuuri holds up a hand to stop Viktor.

"So you feel wrong sometimes?" Viktor nods. "Wrong how?'

"I don't know exactly. It's just that sometimes I wake up and I can't stand the idea of being me and living in my body. It feels fake, like it doesn't belong to me." Viktor really needs to stop talking.

"Why does it feel that way, do you think?" Viktor kind of wants to stop having this conversation, but he feels frozen to the spot.

"It's not how I want to look sometimes." And there it is. Yuuri is probably about to flee out the door. Viktor knows how ridiculous this sounds right now. He's Viktor Nikiforov, complaining about the body millions of people admire, if the amount of followers he has on Instagram is anything to go by. Yuuri doesn't react strongly. What is he thinking?

"How do you want to look when you feel like that?" Is Yuuri just drawing this out? Is he really wanting to help a freak like Viktor?

"I want to be different, more...feminine, I guess. And I really want my long hair back, sometimes." Viktor has his head hanging down, towards the floor.

"Is there more? You don't have to say it all, I think I understand." Viktor nods, still ashamed of feeling this way. "Do you feel like that now?" Yuuri asks.

"Yes." Viktor almost whispers.

"Oh, sweetheart." Yuuri pulls Viktor into a hug. It feels very nice, surrounded by Yuuri's warmth and familiar smell. Usually it's Viktor enveloping Yuuri in hugs. Tears trace their way down Viktor's cheeks. "I'm sorry this hurts."

"You don't think it's weird?" Viktor sniffles a little and looks at Yuuri for the first time in several minutes.

"No. You are an incredible person, and I couldn't care less that sometimes you feel like you'd rather not live in your own body. I understand that feeling very well, even if it isn't for the same exact reasons." Viktor hadn't considered that. Yuuri has a lot of days where his self esteem takes a nosedive because he feels like he's too fat or not talented enough, but Viktor knows how untrue that is. Viktor has spent many days convincing Yuuri of how handsome, talented, and sexy he is. He can't stand when Yuuri doesn't feel good about himself. 

Yuuri finally takes notice of the book Viktor was reading earlier. He picks it up off the sofa where Viktor hastily placed it when Yuuri came into the room. "This is definitely not light reading. You're probably just stressing yourself out more by reading about it, Vitya." Yuuri places the book about gender dysphoria on the end table beside the couch. Viktor feels the silence between them like waves crashing.

"You're not mad?" Viktor peeks at Yuuri again through his fringe. Yuuri looks upset by that.

"Why would I be mad?"

"Well...Yakov didn't want to take me seriously about it. He just told me to stay focused on skating. I think it scared him. And several ex-boyfriends had...less than favorable reactions to what I just told you. A couple of them said I was a freak."

"Vitya..." Yuuri's voice sounds pained.

"I just thought that since I'm me, this is just too much to handle.I’m already...a lot. And this is just another thing on the long list of ridiculousness."

"That's not true. They obviously didn't understand how amazing you are. Something like this doesn't matter." Yuuri smiles at Viktor. "Now, what can I do to help you feel more comfortable when you start to feel like this? I want to show you as much love and respect as you have showed me, okay? And before you say anything, you deserve it."

"I don't deserve you." Viktor says slowly.

"I feel like I don't deserve you a lot. And you always make sure to remind me I do. You deserve as much unconditional love and support as you give me." Yuuri looks stern. Viktor laughs a little. "What?" Yuuri asks with a raised eyebrow.

"You look so serious."

"And I'm serious because you do deserve to be treated with love and respect, so don't say you do not."

"Okay." Viktor agrees, and Yuuri hums.

"You still haven't answered my question. What can I do to help, Vitya?" Yuuri unfortunately noticed the attempt to evade.

"I don't want other people to know right now. I don't really understand this myself."

"Okay. Is there anything I can call you instead of Viktor to make you more comfortable? Do you want me to use different pronouns sometimes?" Viktor feels a little overwhelmed. He’s never really let himself think about this. If he had, it would justify these feelings, and he would have to accept this was actually something he was struggling with. If there is anything Viktor is bad about, it is acknowledging his own emotional distress as valid. Viktor has lived 28 years, and all of those years consisted of lying about how he really felt to himself, to his family and friends, his fans, and the press. It's hard to undo a pattern that ingrained.

"Um...I like when you call me Vitya and the other diminutives. Those don't make me feel bad. I'm not sure about pronouns, though. I've never really let myself try anything else."

"That's okay. We can experiment a little today." Viktor smiles. He can't believe Yuuri is a real person, and that he is engaged to such a kind man.

"That's right. It's our day off, and I've ruined my own plans for the day." Viktor had planned to cook a nice dinner for Yuuri, and he was hoping to clean the apartment for his fiancé since it had gotten a bit messy and haphazard over the last few weeks. Both of them had been busy, what with sponsorship commitments, practices, ballet and dance classes, coaching sessions, gym time, and trying to keep Makkachin from being mopey about being shut up in the apartment all day.

"Vitya. It's okay. Life happens. We are going to have a nice, calm day in. Doctor's orders."

"You're not a doctor." Viktor laughs.

"Or am I?" Yuuri raises his eyebrows.

"You have an art degree."

"Rude." Yuuri laughs.

"I'm hungry." Viktor declares. "All of this emotional vulnerability has made me starved."

"What do you want?" Yuuri asks, already starting to stand up.

"Wait, I'll help." Viktor pushes off the couch too.

"You can't help until you tell me what you want. That's kind of a determining factor in what I cook for breakfast."

"Shut up." Viktor rolls his eyes.

"No. Not until my beautiful partner tells me what they want to make." Viktor blushes. Yuuri smiles again. Viktor is intrigued by the feeling of the words washing over them. It’s nice. Why didn’t they try this before? 

"How did that feel?" Yuuri asks out of curiosity.

"I like it, I think. It appeals to androgyny, which I’m fond of." Yuuri pulls Viktor more towards the kitchen.

"Good. I'll keep using they and them pronouns if you'd like me to."

"I think I would, at least for now." Viktor can't believe how lucky they are. They were expecting Yuuri to finally leave, finally decide they were too much to handle.

"Now. Breakfast. What. Do. You. Want." Yuuri punctuates each word with a gentle poke to Viktor's arm.

"Food." Viktor answers noncommittally.

"Vit'ka. Please do not make this as difficult as you usually do." Viktor blushes more at the sound of another diminutive, one Yuuri doesn't really use.

"Then I want omelettes." Yuuri sighs.

"Was that difficult?"

"Yes. Very." Viktor laughs as Yuuri rolls his eyes and walks into the kitchen.

"It's a good thing I love you." Yuuri blushes as the words leave his mouth. He doesn't say he loves Viktor out loud very often. He prefers to express his love with nonverbal communication and gestures.

"Yes. It's a very good thing." Viktor agrees. “I love you, too.”  

After breakfast, Viktor and Yuuri set about walking Makkachin and tidying the flat just a bit. It feels good to be doing something normal, after the conversation they had this morning. Viktor meets Yuuri in the kitchen to clean up from breakfast. The two had split up to get more done, and Viktor felt accomplished. They had made the bed and started some of the laundry from the week. Yuuri had vacuumed and tidied up the living room and bedroom.

"You need to stop leaving your dirty towels on the floor." Viktor says as they walk by Yuuri, snapping him gently with one of the aforementioned towels.

"And why would I do that?" Yuuri asks as he fills the sink with soapy water for the dishes.

"Because you value my sanity." Viktor says with a straight face, and then breaks into laughter.

"Do I really?" Yuuri laughs too. Viktor moves the current load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, and starts the towels. They move back to the kitchen and grab a clean dish towel. Viktor makes grabby hands at the dishes Yuuri has begun to wash.

"Do you want clean plates?"

"No. I want dry plates put away in the cupboard." Viktor says.

"So obstinate." Yuuri laughs more and swats Viktor gently.

"Ouch, Yuuri. So mean!" Viktor complains, even though Yuuri barely touched them. Yuuri giggles. After finishing all the dishes and putting them away, Viktor starts to feel drained.

"Nap?" Yuuri suggests after seeing the tired look Viktor has been sporting.

"Yes, please." Viktor sighs.

They settle into bed together, Yuuri tucked around Viktor and arms wrapped around them in a comforting embrace. The two kiss softly before settling in. Yuuri watches Viktor as they fall asleep, heart warmed by the sight of his partner. Yuuri knows they have been struggling with self image for their entire life. Yakov, Georgi, Mila, and Yuri had all warned him when he moved to St. Petersburg. It had been somewhat of a surprise to him. Viktor was good at pretending everything was fine. Yuuri had only become more privy to Viktor's body image issues (which he now realized was pretty obviously dysphoria of some kind) once he moved into Viktor's apartment. 

It’s not the conventional self-image struggle, either. Yuuri knows that his fiancé has never quite been happy with their body, if the muffled complaints and comments he hadn’t been meant to hear were anything to go by. However, Yuuri had never imagined this. A case of body dysmorphia, maybe. That was common enough among athletes and dancers. Yuuri knew a handful of dancers personally who had struggled with body image issues. He himself had as well. But this was a different kind of struggle.

From what Yuuri knew, Viktor was confident in their skating abilities, but was still uncomfortable when they were complimented for their body. Viktor is always quick to brush off compliments about their looks. Yuuri remembers the long hair and painted nails, something Viktor had quickly become known for. At the time, they had said they liked androgyny, which appeased people. A lot of people had decided it was a phase, and many people had seemed relieved when Viktor had seemed to grow out of it and cut their hair.

Yuuri thinks about what his fiancé had said earlier: _I used to feel like this a lot when I was a teenager, but then everyone expected me to get even more serious about skating, so I had to try and forget about it._ Yuuri knows how difficult it is to try and perform with nagging doubts weighing him down. He’s surprised Viktor has managed this long, really. His fiancé is a deeply sensitive person, hidden behind a façade of nonchalance and gracefulness. 

There’s something to be said about people who are uncomfortable with themselves for much of their lives, and have to continuously pretend everything is going well. Yuuri is already aware of how trapped Viktor had started feeling due to their highly successful career, but not feeling like it was deserved because there wasn’t a challenge anymore. Yuuri imagines what it would feel like to not like living in his own body sometimes aside from his actual insecurities which reside in his off-season weight and the many stretch marks that remain on his skin, as well as his inability to put confidence in his own abilities at times. He decides it’s not a good feeling. He presses a gentle kiss to Viktor’s cheek. Yuuri stops thinking after that because it’s not a pleasant subject to imagine, and he eventually drifts off to sleep as well.

**Author's Note:**

> I might continue this if I feel inspired. Viktor is just such an interesting character to me, and I love how he is never really defined as one thing or another in the show. His androgynous styling is also hella good!! I really love how even after he cut his long hair, he kept a hairstyle that is very difficult to place, and he incorporates stylistic choices that are read as feminine. Anyways, I just love Viktor and Yuuri a lot.


End file.
